Sunday, April 12, 2009

No More Piss Tests For Me, Thanks


Khuk Khak, Thailand - Even if I had to put on some kind of jockey outfit and park cars or stand out on somebody's lawn holding a lantern, I'd be compelled to tell them to 'stuff it' if they wanted a urinalysis.

'You gonna have to get at my piss some other kinda way,' I'd tell them, 'you sick sickos.' I gave 'em a sample once, and the sons a bitches used it against me, in court. Judge asked when was the last time, and I replied, 'Last night,' causing a moment of muffled hilarity to an otherwise serious matter at hand.

'If they want to examine my bodily excretions, I don't think I'd want to work for them,' I recently told a friend who declined the charged cigarette out of necessity, saying she had 'a piss test coming up.'

Down to a science. Talk about a whole society running amuck with a twisted idea that eventually became so ingrained that people shrug it off with acceptance, without challenging its sanity, such as a fanatanical obsession with a sperm-stained dress to bring down a president. Then like everything else American, we exported it, creating a worldwide phenomena.

'It works,' you could say. 'Fear of job less is REAL, man.'

Yeah...Yeah. Yes. It is.

What I'm saying is, they can test you for drugs a thousand different ways. Look at a guy's eyes. Does it look like he's been drinking pretty solid for twenty, thirty, forty years? Seen a bar stool or two?

Listen to them. Listen to a person talk. Listen to some of those people on the radio. You don't even have to see them.

'Yep. He's on drugs.'

Then there are behavioral clues. Is he scratching around, hopping around the office, all over the place, bouncing around, Mr. Smiles, then, GNARRRRRR!? Or, she?

I mean, why do they want to go into the toilet with me and handle my urine? I mean, this is some sick shit, folks, all to determine if you've got something floating around in there that says you've recently altered your normal state of mind.

Like a friend once said thirty, forty years ago, the used-to-be smartest person I knew, "They're trying to control consciousness. They're legislating your state of mind."

You can be straight, or you can be drunk, or somewhere in between. Period.

I picture...the Puritans.

What gets me is the social acceptance of a deviant off-the-rails pursuit of public policy determined entirely by politics, criminalizing a public health issue. What that eventuates is what we have, the greatest incarceration of populace of any nation on earth, and the tired and failed solution of building more prisons.

You know this already, I know. Just going on record, y'know. Slowly, governments are coming around to medical and scientific fact.

Maybe you and your doctor can work something out. Most people do. Then The Rest need to go find Frankie.

I'm not advocating drug use. Holy smokes! As Manny used to say, 'I'm not avocating anything.' I'm just wondering about a sensible public policy initiated from a higher reasoning than fear, and one that allows everybody access to their favorite drug. What would that be like?

Nation of junkies? Are already. Your prescription, your cocktail, Frankie's gear, all the same. My medicine is your drug. Your medicine is my drug. Anybody looking down on the Founding Fathers as junkies? Who brought the first shit to America, anyway? Wasn't the Mexicans.

'No more frequent flier bitch miles for MY BOY.'

Okay, then. What?

I don't know, I'm just know, as a medical...practioner, as a pharmacological...person...

What that amounts to is, I guess I won't be piloting your next flight.

- end