Saturday, March 07, 2009

Alarm Raised Over Shit Falling From Space


WASHINGTON - Rick Larsen, President of Shit Falling From Space Survivors, is launching a global effort aimed at creating public awareness of the dangers of shit falling from space, and pressure governments around the world to create early-warning systems to avoid being struck by shit falling from space.

“People always think this is the kind of thing that always happens to somebody else,” said Larsen. "That's what I thought. I mean, who's walking around thinking they need to watch out for something falling out of the sky?"

Larsen spoke at a recent press conference coinciding with the re-entry of a very large disabled U.S. spy satellite. "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. With more and more shit raining down, the liklihood of hits increases, and more and more people are going to get hit with shit falling from space,” he said.

Larsen’s home near Phoenix, AZ, was demolished by a communications satellite, QR1707, when it re-entered Earth’s atmosphere in 2002. Scientists predicted the satellite would burn up, and any possible debris would splash into the remote Pacific. From data collected in 1997 by Goddard Space Flight Center, there are approximately 170,000 known satellites in earth orbit for various defense, commercial, and scientific purposes.

The QR1707 strike, otherwise known as the Larsen Strike, received widespread publicity, for the event was recorded on U Tube by Larsen's wife, who was online and broadcasting from her kitchen table when the satellite destroyed the home.

“They don’t publicize the hits,” said Larsen. “They always say the shit is going to burn up on re-entry. Who ever heard of Mackelry’s house in Australia getting smacked by Skylab, or that village in the Bass Islands in French Polynesia, or that lady in China who got hit with a whole 72-ton Pakistani piece of shit from space?”

“This shit is de-orbiting all the fucking time, man,” said Larsen. “What do they say?...’What goes up must come down’? Ever wonder who’s keeping track of all that shit? asked Larsen with a disturbing cackle. "There's the shit we know is there, and there's the shit we don't know is there, and then there's the shit WE KNOW we don't know, is there."

“Do you know where Mir hit, the soviet space observatory, remember? asked Larsen. Western Sahara. You'd think with all that sand, they could hit a million dunes, but space shit shrapnel took out a half a Taureg caravan. They talk about a 'debris field footprint'. Now, how real is that? asked Larsen.”

SFFSS, whose membership has grown to the thousands, is comprised of people who have lost family members, pets, or homes by being at the impact point of falling shit from space. Everything from people, cats, dogs, and farm animals have been victims of shit falling from space.

Recently, a cow on a dairy farm in Wisconsin was struck and buried by an intact communications satellite the size of a Volkswagon bus. In Missouri, Esther Hensley's cat, sniffles, was struck by a 7-ton stainless steel fuel tank.

“They can’t say, ‘HEY, LOOKOUT!’, or anything,” said Larsen. “Because they can’t say yet, like tornadoes, it’s still a developing science, predicting the impact point of a piece of shit falling from space. They have a big pin map at NASA with on-going games of chance revolving around all this shit falling from space.”

There are many variables involved in impact prediction, including the weight and mass of the machine, it’s velocity, the angle of re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere, and the Earth’s rotation, a nerd’s mathematical delight. Scientists track satellites descent from orbit, but precisely where on Earth they impact cannot be determined. Some theologians also toss God into the equation, saying He has His hand in it.

The Chinese recently destroyed one of their disabled spy satellites with a long-range missile, proving that it can be done, but causing more problems than it solved by creating a debris field in space, flying at 17,000 mph. The incident also created an immediate uproar in the international space community.

“Why does it take four officials from the same agency, in this case, the National Reconnaissance Office, to tell you the mission of this one that is coming down, L-21, is classified?” asked Larsen.

“That name, ‘Recon Office,’ tells you it’s a spook bird, right?" said Larsen. "Everybody who knows anything speaks only on the condition of anonymity. They won't tell you how big it is. Go ahead. Try to find out what is going on up there.”

Larsen is convinced that it is only a matter of time before a major space-related incident occurs on Earth. The re-entry of L-21 is the second space mishap in two weeks. Recently a U.S. satellite collided with a disabled Russian satellite, and fragments of a satellite launched by India returned to Earth in the form of a metal shower on inhabitants of San Cristobal in the Solomon Islands.

Scientists, who readily acknowledge the hazardous materials onboard some spacecraft, insist the probability is very small for such an event today, but declined to comment on the future, except to say, 'Shit from space happens.'

NASA officials downplayed the concern, saying, "I wouldn't listen to the ax-grinding fear-mongers. There's a lot of water out there, a LOT of water out there, and yes, we've recorded a relative handful of hits out of thousands of re-entries, but the likelihood of corruption of immediate impact environment and a few bonks on the head would be something to be expected in the course of the history of the program."

"As for the people who get hit," continued the official, "I look at it as God's way of getting their attention."