Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Get This Thing Turned Around

Brovic Floats Toxic Asset Plan

KHUK KHAK, Thailand – In an effort to ease the nation’s financial woes, Brother Vic (Brovic) has submitted a bailout plan for US after being requested by Obama administration officials to ‘come up with something, fast.’

“They asked me to help ‘get this thing turned around’, said BV, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “I only want to be associated with this plan if it succeeds,” he said, “otherwise, leave my name out of it.”

Hailed as ‘brilliant’ within the BV inner advisory circle, the TATSTATDEPS (‘Toxic
Asset To Space Station Then Deep Space’) plan could serve as an alternative, or adjunct measure to current efforts to address the world’s financial crisis.

The plan envisions two phases, what he calls, ‘Dump & Recovery’; the initial dump stage of the plan would require loading all current toxic assets aboard the next scheduled shuttle flights and transporting them to the ISS International Space Station. From there, an international team of astronauts would then dispense the toxins into deep space.

“That would be the second step of the ‘dump’ phase,” he said, “getting rid of it. Until then, for the first phase, it could be temporarily stored in the Badlands National Park, located on Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota.”

That idea met with strong resistance from Oglala Sioux Tribe (OST) tribal leaders. Spokesperson Donetta Hard Face Today said, “We don’t need no more toxins dumped in our environment, inna? First it was a bombing range, then a uranium dump, and now this half-baked idea. Our kids play out there,” she said. “And we don’t want no more glow-in-the-dark kids.”

Dismissing those fears, Brovic said, “They need to see the big picture. It’s only going to be temporary. Pine Ridge is best positioned to deal with this kind of thing. Of all people, The People have a long history of a nation in distress, and recovery, so that will be the second phase.”

In an emergency meeting of tribal council, Wakpamni district representative and tribal elder Emma Holier Than Thou asked, ‘What is this half-baked nonsense? Who is this guy? Is he getting paid for this?’

OST Tribal Council member, Wilber Dont Sleep At Night, said, “I know it calls for another sacrifice by our people, and there are under the table cuts in it for some of us. But we have to think of our children, for seven generations. How can we ever explain this to them?” he asked. “I can’t even make sense of it, and I’m alive, now.”

“If adopted, this plan should serve a secondary benefit in helping our nation see how grim it can get,” said BV. “People think things are grim. We live like this ALL the time.”

Although he admitted to not understanding derivatives, BV pointed out, “Who does?”

Brovic had prior advisory experience in Vietnam and the Cuban Bay of Pigs invasion. Both countries have since had communist rule. He was also involved in the Iranian hostage rescue plan during the Carter administration, which he concedes ‘some people’ see as an utter fiasco.

In defense of his checkered history, he said, “For the record, I’m not the only one to preside over what you so cavalierly call a fiasco. Look at just a few big fish we wish would just go away, Oliver North, Albert Gonzales, Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney, just to name a few,” he said. “Toss in Bashir, Robert Mugabe, and Kim Jong II. Put ‘em on the first flight. You can’t call a duck a chicken when everybody else says it’s a chicken, but you can try.”

“That don’t make no sense,” said a small Indian kid, standing nearby.

If accepted by the administration, the plan will still require passage by both houses of a widely divided congress, and expected stiff opposition in the U.S. Senate. By then, analysts say the plan ‘will mostly likely not remotely resemble’ the proposal in its current form.

“Even if it takes multiple launches, it won’t cost the tax payer but a fraction of what they’ve got in the hopper now,” said BV, adding, “It’s not the first time I’ve been asked to serve my country, nor the first time they’ve asked me to help get this thing turned around.”