Friday, March 27, 2009

Branston Cat Round Up Winds Up With Hospitalization For Several

Thurmond Held in Custody


BRANSTON, MO - Three dozen people remain hospitalized in intensive care following contact with a high voltage fence during a cat round up here.

Despite claiming his high-voltage fence was employed only as a scare tactic, Mr. Eldon Thurmond was held without bail pending further psycological evaluation.

“Scare tactic, my ass. He had 50,000 volts running through that thing,” said Deputy County Sheriff, Thomas Pierson. “Several of the personnel involved in the satellite investigation and cat round up received substantial burns and electrical shocking from the fencing, and requested hospitalization.”

“Do you mean, ‘required hospitalization’? a reporter suggested.

“Well, that, too,” said Pierson, “but they specifically asked, ‘Can you take me to the hospital?’”

Mr. Thurmond faces several criminal charges.

Meanwhile, at the Pleasant View Nursing Home, a Branston Daily Dispatch reporter conducted an interview with Mrs. Esther Hensley, former owner of 117 cats, one of which was struck and buried by a re-entering inoperable U.S. spy satellite.

"I don't know why they call it 'Pleasant View.' The view isn't pleasant, at all. We're looking at a Home Depot warehouse wall to the west, a used auto parts salvage yard to the east, and a crack house right across the street.

"What did you say your name was?

"But they've got a lovely bird bath out back. A person can't have a cat here. They won't allow it. You need a permit, they said. I asked where a person gets a permit, and they told me there is no such thing.

"Mr. Hensley has been dead for some time, now. It was such a strange day. He was out setting his bird traps when he was crushed by those Mormons in their hot air balloon.

"My kids don't ever...what did you say your name was?

"Sand bags. Mr. Hensley was killed by sandbags, the ballast, they called it. The weight of the thing. Of course, the balloon itself was filled with just air. Mr. Hensley was such a frail man to begin with.

"We sit out on the porch of nights and watch the police cruisers and all those young people a comin' and a goin' out of the crack house. That and bingo. Of course, the bingo is in the basement.

"Haven't you ever fed a stray?

"They should tell them over at that crack house that they administer strong narcotic drugs over here, too.

"I didn't steal anybody's cats. Whoever showed up got fed. I just kept them in the house for company. My kids don't ever, they all live out of state, you see, so they don't...since the burial of Mr. Hensley.

"Mrs. Fairchild and myself were sitting out on the porch one night after lights out, and a carload of them pulled up, asking for Frankie. We told them Frankie probably lives across the street. Mrs. Fairchild yelled at them as they were leaving, 'Does it LOOK LIKE Frankie lives here?'

"I miss my house, and poor Sniffles. And...what is your...who are you?

"There was nothing anybody could do. He was such a frail man. I was at the sink and those Mormons hollering, 'Watch out! Watch out!' caught my attention. I thought, 'My Heavens! It's a hot air balloon!' Of course, Mr. Hensley wasn't expecting anything coming down out of the sky.

"I yelled out through the window, 'Mr. Hensley! Watch out!' and he looked up at me, and then the gosh darmed thing hit him. I think right at the last split-second, he felt it coming, something like a sixth sense. Of course, there was nothing he could do. It was too late.

"They have separate washroom facilities here for the staff, but they don't always wash their hands...I know they don't. They have a sign that says staff must wash their hands every time, but they don't. They stopped me from going in there, talking to me like a child, telling me I must use the resident facilities, pointing at the 'staff only' sign on the door. I can read, but sometimes the resident facilities aren't kept up.

"Oh...and yes...where?...oh yes...sometimes I have difficulty comes and goes. Of course, you'd need a prescription. Or at least, under the supervision of a nurse, or an RN or something.

"Mr. Hensley, God rest his soul, was a frail man. The only thing he kept going was his taxidermy. He caught several thousand birds. The largest he ever caught was a couple of bald eagles. The men took them from my house.

"These people here only smile when there are visitors, and they handled Mrs. Mumphrie pretty roughly after she began using all those swear words. Mr. Hensley said if they ever handled him like that, he'd kick their...shhhhhhh...asses.

"Of course, they don't have nurses at the crack house.

"Mr. Hensley has been dead since...I don't know how many years...he was killed by a hot air balloon run by the Mormons.

"And wasn't that just a lovely gown she wore to the reception? Sarah Davis' daughter, I can't remember her name. She married that nice young man, the water works fella.

"Could you get us a cup of tea?

"Mrs. Mumphrie says that's another darned...except she didn't say, 'darned'...she said...shhhhhhh...oh my...I can't bring myself to say it...she has such a filthy mouth...meth lab two doors down from the crack house. She says that's why all those people a comin' and a goin' all have such bad fucking teeth. And when th...


"What did I just say? What? I can't tell you what I just said. I don't know what I just said. You have to grab it the first time. I can tell you what I wore for my fifth birthday party, but I can't tell you what I just said.

"And that nice man at NASA, Mr. McCallister, sent me flowers and money, I won't say how much, but it was substantial, and a nice note about Sniffles. He said he raised it in an office pool or something after hearing about Sniffles.

"Yes, well that electronical fence was a problem area for Mr. Thurmond and myself. We used to have at it regularlarly. He just never was a cat lover. He killed over twenty of my best cats. I hope they give him the chair.

"What happened to that other nice reporter, the one who asked so many questions about Sniffles?

"Oh? Oh, my!"